Saturday, 26 March 2011

Rise Up Rise Up

While sitting in the small waiting area to see my acupuncturist/TCM Doctor, a little girl of about 7 years came out from behind a screen. She was slithering around on the floor, and looking up at me without an ounce of shyness. "What am I?" she asked me.
"A lizard?"
She rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed. "I have paws, but I also have wings to fly."
I felt kind of stumped.
"I look like a lion..." she offered me.
"I really have no idea."
"I'm a griffin!" she finally exclaimed, "a mythical creature!"
She then sat beside me and we went through as many of the mythical creatures we knew of. She knew a lot more than I did. I realized I need to start brushing up on my skills in all departments related to fun learning - I do believe Cedar will want to know about Griffins and such.
The doctor finally called me in, and I said goodbye to the precocious little girl who had reminded me of unicorns and sea serpents, the pegasus, and minotaur. We were, however, by the end of the conversation, stumped over one - one we couldn't remember the name of, but knew it was a bird.
I sat across from the Doctor, and he checked my pulse, and looked in my eyes, and also checked my tongue. "Are you feeling better? Your mood - is it better?"
"Yeah, it is."
"So it's time. Time is what you need. I could have increased your medicines, but really - it's time."
Just then the little girl popped her head in to the office, "The phoenix! That's the one we forgot!"
When she said it, I remembered bumping into a dear friend (and mom) on the street on a day when I was in my shell-shocked state. "Don't worry," she said, "you'll be like a phoenix rising from the ashes."
After the little girl left, my doctor said, "The phoenix is a very sacred mythical animal in China. Represents the Yin, and the dragon represents Yang. The phoenix comes from below and rises above, and the dragon comes down from above."
In that moment, I wanted him to tell me that my pulse was perfect, that I was healed, that I wasn't sitting in the ashes anymore, waiting for resurrection. But instead he stuck the needles in me and I lay in a cubicle for twenty minutes. I tuned in and realized that he was playing Kenny G really loudly. Life seemed kind of absurd in that moment, so I thought about the phoenix. I thought about how I wish I wasn't going through all this postpartum stuff, and could just feel like myself again. Suffering about my suffering. Learning to be patient. Letting the heart heal itself, allowing life to show me the way instead of blasting my path with determination.
Things go up and down. Control is no longer something I salivate over. Instead, I look for truth and humility in the everyday. Maybe when the phoenix rose from the ashes it wasn't a dramatic affair, maybe it was just normal for that kind of magic to occur. And maybe all it took was time.

Friday, 18 March 2011

Welcome Home

Spring is here. Really, actually here. Sure, we'll have some colder, wetter days until things really start rolling, but I am just thrilled that the sun is shining. Have stroller, will travel.
As the weather settles, and life starts to fizz down into a nice, welcomed normalcy, I figure it's time to share one of many gold nuggets I have found during the deep sea dive into my postpartum psyche.
See folks, I've always been a dreamer. I really thought I could be Olivia Newton-John. I thought I could be Annie. I'm a master fantasizer (sounds like an 80's instrument), and always have been.
And although my husband wouldn't necessarily want to admit it, he's a dreamer just the same.
So there I was, big dreams big dreams - dreams so delicious they were worth thinking about all the time. The operative word there is think.
So then this thing happens - baby comes. And baby, with his earthly needs, brings everything into a whole new place: reality.
At first I was under the impression that I'd have to let everything go - all those golden, sparky dreams I'd acquired - but now I feel that what is actually happening is bigger, better, and more real. I could have sat forever thinking about making a dream become, but now there is no other choice but to refine the meaning of those desires and choose them from a new place, with new energy.
I want to teach my boy how to dream and actualize, and to go for his true heart's desires with the confidence that he has the tools to achieve them - whatever they may be.
But first, it's time for me to take a good look at what my dream really is - in reality. And please don't get me wrong here - although reality can seem like a bummer when you're a consummate dreamer, it's actually the place where things happen.

As Little Orphan Annie would sing, "I think I'm gonna like it heeeere!"
xo bb

Sunday, 13 March 2011

The Way To Go

When I was twenty-seven years old (wow - so weird to look back...) I took a trip to Oaxaca, Mexico by myself. This was my third or fourth trip to Mexico alone, but my first time in Oaxaca. On prior trips, I had always booked things in advance. Although I was bold by traveling alone, I was also fearful of just getting to a place and winging it - it seemed too risky for a woman to do.
However, I decided that for my trip to Oaxaca, I would wing it except for the hotel bookings for my first and last nights. I knew I would head down to the coast, and that was about it.

I arrived in the city of Oaxaca and it was sheer chaos; there was a protest march, and people literally cramming all the avenues. I decided to head to the coast right away and get to the calm of the ocean. After a five-hour insanely windy (as in turning a lot) bus ride down through the mountains (I feel nauseous just remembering it) I arrived in the very hot and wonderful town of Mazunte. I trudged through the sand looking for a place to stay with my way-too-heavy knapsack. It was sweltering and I was trying to make a decision about staying in a hostel or getting my own cabina. I went over to the road and sat on my bag. A beautiful, sparkly young woman approached me and we started talking. She was German, and had been living in Mazunte for over a year. We took to each other instantly... "You come stay with us, yes?" She said with a smile.
She lived in an incredible house up a small hill, overlooking the ocean. It was called Casa De Geni because a mother and daughter (the daughter was Geni) built it together as their dream home. It was one of the most amazing and special places I had ever seen.
I ended up staying at Casa De Geni for the duration of my time in Mexico. It was, and still is, the best adventure I've had, with the most easy, honest, and fast heart connections with strangers. It was probably one of the first times in my life that I hadn't planned something, but just trusted in the magic of what life dishes up when you let go.

So now. Oh dear. Now, more than ever, with a new human being in my care, with the future seemingly mysterious, with the ups and downs of my emotions, and the clutch of anxiety on a daily basis, and the incredible change of life I am in the midst of, now - more than ever - I think is a good time to trust.